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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29682858">stone cold</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaddieandChimney/pseuds/MaddieandChimney'>MaddieandChimney</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Tumblr Prompt Responses [8]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>9-1-1 (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Gen, mentions of domestic violence, mentions of injury</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 06:28:15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,259</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29682858</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaddieandChimney/pseuds/MaddieandChimney</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>It's been two years since her husband had announced they were moving to LA, two years since she had last replied to her brother. She wonders where he is, what he's doing, if he's okay and if he's found his way in the world. </p><p>Now he's standing outside of her front door, wearing an LAFD uniform, with a mixture of concern and confusion on his face whilst she stands there with her husband. At least she doesn't have to wonder anymore.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Evan "Buck" Buckley &amp; Maddie Buckley</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Tumblr Prompt Responses [8]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2129619</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>48</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>161</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Maddie often finds herself wondering where her brother had found himself in the world. Last she had heard from him, he was in Arizona, just one of the postcards she so desperately clings to when she needs a reminder that there’s a piece of her heart out there hopefully living a good life. That was all she had ever wanted him when she’d given him the keys to her jeep and all of the money she had saved. She hadn’t planned on never knowing, always imagining his life in her head, wondering if the postcards still went to the hospital she used to work at, if Omar was still reading them. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The decision to move to LA had been sudden; Doug had simply outgrown Hershey General, he had said. He needed somewhere bigger, somewhere better. It didn’t matter what Maddie wanted or that she was thriving as Charge Nurse. It didn’t matter that she had to take a demotion so he could continue to work his way up the chain. It didn’t matter that she didn’t want to leave Hershey because at least there, she had Omar, who gave her at least someone to lean on. It didn’t matter what she wanted, it never did. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>That had been two years ago and Maddie sort of feels as though she’s been floating around ever since. Life seems to have passed her by; she misses her job, she misses her friends, she misses her brother. She just feels perpetually exhausted and worn down by a life she never asked to live. She had decided to stop answering her brother from the moment she left Hershey, without telling him she was doing so, so he would never know her forwarding address. She deleted his number, she deleted all of her social media accounts and she tried to forget, which was easier said than done. Maddie just wanted to protect him, she wanted him to live his life for himself and every single time she reached out to him, she could practically taste the words when they caught in her throat. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>So many times she had come too close to asking him for help. So many times she could have gotten her brother hurt or killed because she had almost dragged him into the mess that was her life. She couldn’t do it. And yet, somehow, doing just that and trying to find her brother and finding some sort of comfort in his arms and in his blue eyes, is all she wants to do right then.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As she sits on the kitchen floor, back against a cabinet, clutching her swollen wrist in one hand as her face seems to pulsate from pain. Maddie thinks back to the five years previously, to Evan asking her to run away with him, to leaving him a note because she knew exactly what Doug would do to him if he saw him. It’s not the first time she’s sat there, cowering from her husband, wishing she had just said yes, that she could have just been a little more selfish. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The sound of the door knocking is enough to pull her from her thoughts, chest tight and panic rising whilst Doug seems as calm as ever. Uncaring, cold, confident in the knowledge that it doesn’t matter who’s at the door or how many times their neighbours call 911, she’ll stay. She always stays. “Are you going to answer that?” It’s a test, every part of her body is screaming at her that he knows exactly who is on the other side of that door and he doesn’t care. He’s testing her loyalty, he’s testing how much he’s broken her down, a smile on his face when she nods her head and scrambles up. She doesn’t dare look in the mirror when she walks past it, already feeling the throbbing to her face, wiping at the drying blood around her lips before she gulps. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She hates how embarrassed she feels, as though the shame is </span>
  <em>
    <span>hers</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Which, she supposes, it is. She’s sat in the ER and told a hundred men and women that it wasn’t their fault but somehow, she could never quite convince herself. Maddie had spent too long wanting to be loved, she couldn’t imagine a different life, a life without Doug or after him. It didn’t seem possible and she knows, more than anything, he’d never let it be possible. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s with a trembling hand that she opens the door, just a crack, enough so she can see the other person and they can see her, enough that they can have visibility of her injuries but not quite enough that they can do anything about it as she keeps her grip on the handle tight, “C-can I help you, officer?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Their eyes meet, and the concern in them is immediate, Maddie’s heart thumping uncomfortably against her chest because she can feel his presence lingering in the hallway, waiting for his moment. If she passes the test, she may have a peaceful night, if she fails… she may not live to see the night through. She’s just not sure which scenario she wants right then because she’s never quite felt so tired in her life. “We got a call about…” She gulps, feeling eyes looking her up and down as she tightens her grip on the door, “a potential fire.” The woman decides on finishing, causing Maddie’s eyes to flick behind her when she notices that indeed, there is a firetruck parked in the street, and a group of firefighters looking from afar. Watching. Waiting. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Until her eyes meet with familiar blue ones and it feels as though the world has stopped turning and she can barely breathe. “M-Maddie?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>No. No, it can’t be him. It simply can’t be him because the world was not that small and the last she had heard… he was over five hundred miles away and he couldn’t have known that Doug had packed them up and moved them across so far away from everything and everyone they had ever known. She quickly looks back at the woman instead, tears in her eyes and the panic starting to set in,  “There’s no fire, I-I um, I burnt some pasta on the stove and there was a lot of smoke but no fire. There was no…” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He’s pressed against her, yanking the door from her grip so he can make himself more visible and she knows he can feel just how much she is trembling against his body. “My wife fell asleep when she was cooking dinner, at least now she realises the consequences of her actions, right, Maddie?” She’s going to throw up, she knows it’s only a matter of time before he notices the youngest Buckley walking towards them with a confused look on her face and the world is spinning and she can practically taste the lump of bile in her throat. They need to close the door, she needs to just face whatever else consequences she has to suffer tonight for being the disappointing wife she always had been. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m really sorry that your time has been wasted, everything is okay now.” Even she wouldn’t believe her, not with the tremble in her voice and she tries to close the door but it’s too late. There’s an arm wrapped around her waist which may be the only thing keeping her standing right then because her little brother is standing in front of her with a mixture of confusion and hurt on his face. He was in LA, he worked for the LAFD and there he was. Her knees feel weak and her head is spinning and she can’t even blame the concussion for this one because this is entirely due to her two worlds colliding. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Evan isn’t even looking at her, he’s looking over her head at the man behind her and she can only just imagine the look on her husband's face. If there was anyone he hated the most in the world, it was her little brother. The one man in the world who had ever been able to take her attention away from Doug, the only person she would ever go running to at some point. As long as Evan was away from Hershey and as far away from Doug as he possibly could be, he was safe. And now he’s there and somehow, she can just imagine how her husband is going to twist this into something she planned, something that was her fault and not because he had started screaming at her and she’d gotten distracted and… now here they were. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s as though everything has stopped, she can’t breathe, her eyes moving past her brother to linger on the familiar paramedic who has his hand on Buck’s arm as though he’s trying to calm the situation before it gets worse. If it can get any worse. She recognises him from the hospital; sometimes from dropping off a patient, sometimes because he’s had an accident himself. His eyes are usually alight with joy after some joke he’s made but right then, he just looks confused and concerned, trying to make sense of the situation. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think it’s time you all leave, we don’t need your help.” She’s never felt grateful for Doug speaking but it’s all she feels right then. But now Evan knows where she lives and she knows him, even if he’s angry at her, which he probably is because she had just cut him off without warning, he’d never give up. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s Chimney, she remembers his name after he’d introduced himself whilst moaning about hospital coffee, who steps forward and shakes his head, “I think maybe we should look your wife over.” His voice is even, calming, although it causes Doug’s grip to tighten on her and she wants this moment to be over more than anything. She just wants to close the door, face the music and pretend as though this never happened because now Chimney knows. And she has to face him in the hospital more than once, that burning shame lingering inside of her as she gulps down a lump in her throat and bites down on the cut on her bottom lip in an attempt to stop the tears from falling.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Doug shrugs, she can feel the movement from the way she’s pressed up against his body, her eyes lingering on her brother’s when she tilts her head to look at him. He doesn’t know what to do; there’s an undeniable anger there and she wishes she could take it back somehow. That she could not burn the pasta and none of this would happen and Chimney would remain to be the handsome paramedic with crazy stories, who always tried to make her smile and not her brother’s colleague and clearly, judging by the way he keeps glancing at him, her brother’s friend. “We have it handled, she’s just clumsy. Now, get off my property.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>A part of her wants her brother to grab her and pull her from Doug’s grasp, whilst another part of her hopes he never comes back here again. “I’m sorry.” She whimpers, looking only at her brother and not at any of the people around them before the door slams the second she’s pulled back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Evan is screaming her name and it feels as though her heart is being ripped from her chest as she rests her forehead and her hand against the door as he slams against the other side. “No one is coming between us, Maddie, especially not your brother, so you better hope I don’t see him around here again.” It’s the calm in his voice that terrifies her the most, wondering when he simply stopped caring what other people thought of them, or if he ever had. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>A hand curls around her hair, enough to yank her back, away from the safety of her devastated sounding brother’s arms as she whimpers out his name. “They don’t understand, but you do, don’t you, Maddie?” A gentle hand moves to cup her jaw as he stands behind her, lingering down towards her throat where she knows the softness of his touch won’t last long. The screaming of her name dies down and she knows that they’ll be gone soon, in the knowledge that they can’t do anything if she doesn’t say anything and she can’t say anything because it won’t matter. He’ll find a way out and he’ll kill her and probably throw her brother in now, for good measure. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She’s alone but she’s never felt quite as lonely as she does right now with the silence outside and her brother presumably gone, for now. “See? You’re just not worth the effort.” He whispers in her ear and she feels it in her very core, a burning pain rushing through her chest, dropping down to her stomach as she nods. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She’s not worth the effort.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>It feels as though his entire body is on fire, it’s hard to see anything in front of him or hear the words of the people he considers to be family as they try to calm him down. He can’t breathe and for a moment, he’s not sure if killing Doug will make him feel better or holding his sister for the first time in years. He thinks back to the last time he had seen her with a heavy face of makeup and her wrist in a brace, his mind racing through every time he had seen her, every bruise, every distant look in her eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He hadn’t put the pieces together, not when he was a teenager and not just before he’d left. She’d never said anything but she had given him the keys to her jeep, an envelope of money and then a note the next day. Buck gulps down the lump in his throat, feeling tears in his eyes that so long to fall through seething rage he can feel building inside of him. “Evan!” The use of his first name is enough to pull him through the hazy fog for a second, staring blankly at Bobby when he stands in front of him, resting both hands on his shoulders in an attempt to get him to look at him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She’s my sister, Bobby, she’s my sister.” His voice doesn’t even sound like his own, barely remembering the feeling of Bobby and Chimney yanking him away from the door. Athena had been talking, telling him there was nothing they could do unless Maddie </span>
  <em>
    <span>asked</span>
  </em>
  <span> for their help. They were powerless. He was powerless. He can feel the lump in his throat rising, his lunch threatening to come back up as he stares helplessly at his Captain. The anger is dissipating, slowly but surely, easily replaced by the intense guilt and loss he feels. He wishes he could turn back time and just throw her over his shoulder and get them both the hell out of Hershey when he’d asked her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It takes Bobby a moment to reply, eyes glancing over at the waiting team and Athena, the confusion easing on his face, at least, in the knowledge that Buck wasn’t just reacting to something awful. “Okay, I know the best option right now seems to be storming in there and hurting him--”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Doug, his name is Doug.” He’s quick to mumble, the name tasting bitter on his tongue, having hated him from the moment he had met him but he’d only been eleven and everyone had just chalked it up to jealousy in the knowledge he had to share his big sister’s attention for the first time in his life. This was unlike anything he ever could have allowed his mind to imagine, he thinks he should have known. He wishes he had known. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Bobby continues, as though Buck had never interrupted him, “Doug… will somehow save your sister and everything will be okay. But these situations are complex, okay? And if you go storming in there and hurt him and try to drag her out of there, it won’t end well. Not for you and not for Maddie? Did you say her name was Maddie?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Maddie.” It’s not his voice this time though, eyes glancing over at Chimney in confusion before Hen nods her head in agreement as her best friend continues. “She’s an ER nurse at Presbyterian. I-I know her as Maddie Kendall, I didn’t… I didn’t know she was your sister. We’ve spoken a handful of times, I don’t know much about her life other than she’s married and she loves her job.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He’s slow to lean against the truck behind him, eyes glancing over at the house, wondering how likely it is that he can get through everyone and knock the door down before Athena arrests him. It might not help the situation but all he knows right then, is that it’ll make him feel better to make Doug feel half the pain he’s put his sister through. One side of her face was barely recognizable, fresh blood drying from her nose and her lips, her hair matted with blood. He feels sick, just one punch might not make everything magically better but the satisfaction would be enough. “How long?” He finally asks, taking a deep breath, not looking at either of the paramedics. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“About… two years. Before you started with us.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It hurts, like a punch to the stomach, the knowledge that Maddie had been in LA long before he had even thought of going there and he’d had no clue. He had stopped sending postcards when he’d stopped travelling but he had let her know where he was, he still sent Christmas and Birthday cards to the hospital he had thought she still worked at. He hadn’t heard from her in over two years; she’d stopped answering his calls and when he had rang the hospital, she wouldn’t take them. She had stopped responding to his postcards and deleted all of her social media. He had tried everything, short of going to Hershey because the rejection had been too much for him to handle. He’d had it enough from their parents, the thought of Maddie slamming the door in his face had been too terrifying a thought. How he wishes he had just bit the bullet and just gone for it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s Athena he finally looks at, noting the concern on her face whilst her eyes flick between the house and then at him and he knows this is hard for her, too. On a different level but still hard because she wants to help but she’s restricted by the same laws that have been put in place so she </span>
  <em>
    <span>can</span>
  </em>
  <span> help. “What do I do?” He finally asks, knowing what he wants to do but again, is restricted by the laws that should be protecting his sister. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s with a frown and a shrug of her shoulders that she steps towards him, “You wait for her to go to work and you talk to her without him around. You do not go near that man, Buck. These things never turn out well and I do not want to see you in cuffs or a hospital bed,” She gulps, “or worse.” </span>
</p><hr/><p>
  <span>He doesn’t sleep, he can barely think of anything other than the fact he had driven off whilst his sister remained in that house. Partly, he knows he had no choice in the matter, but it’s been three days since and he’d turned up at the hospital every single day to no avail. She’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>meant</span>
  </em>
  <span> to be on shift, according to the man who introduces himself as Josh. It goes against everything Athena had told him to do, but he promises himself that if she doesn’t turn up today, he’ll have to go back to the house because he can’t shake the feeling of dread building up within him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Buck’s fists clench as he walks through the doors of the hospital, formulating a plan in his head that quickly goes out of the window when his eyes settle on her. Her makeup is heavy but it does nothing to cover what lies underneath and it causes an ache that resides in his chest. The hardest thing in the world right then, is to push down his anger and try and find some sort of calm within himself. He can save it for when he’s alone but right now, what he needs is to convince Maddie to leave her husband and anger won’t help his case. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Maddie,” He breathes her name out the moment he’s standing across from her, “we need to talk.” There’s a panic in her eyes, her eyes darting around as he watches her take a deep breath. “I’ll turn up every day until you talk to me, Maddie, so you may as well do it now because I’m not going anywhere.” But he worries that she might go somewhere and the fear is enough to cause an undeniable tension in his stomach. He’s a mess, he has been from the moment he had seen her because in his head, he had just imagined that she was too busy for him, that she simply didn’t want him in her life anymore because he was disposable. It’s not as though their parents had ever made an ounce of effort with him and Maddie had tried, she had tried so hard even when she left the family home but he must have been too much. Honestly, that was why he thought she had sent him away but now he can’t help but wonder if there was a more sinister reason for it, if maybe… maybe Doug had been hurting her all this time and that was why she had left him a note instead of telling him to his face. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“O-okay.” Maddie finally stammers out, handing a clipboard to Josh who gives Buck a small smile, as though he knows something before she gestures for him to follow her. They’re silent as they walk, and it causes a different kind of pain to pulse through him because it had never been awkward between the two of them before. Growing up, Maddie had been his everything. She was the one who took care of him, the one who taught him how to ride a bike and how to read, she gave him girl advice and she came to every football game she could until she and Doug moved away to Boston. He feels as though he had lost her that day, even though she had come back. And that thought takes him right back to just how much he hates the man who had stolen his sister; not just from him but from herself. From the life she could have had, from the life she deserved to have after everything they had been through with their parents. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s not until she closes the door behind her, in an empty hospital room, that he turns to look at her, taking a breath as he does. “I didn’t know you were in LA.” He starts, although it’s not what he wants to say, not really. He hates how timid his sister is, her eyes glancing down at the floor as she rests her back up against the nearest wall. “Maddie, I don’t… I don’t know what to say, I don’t know how to make this better, I wish I had. I wish I could fix this like you did for me so many times…” He steps forward, watching as she finally looks up at him. “He’s hurting you and I-I think… maybe, the more I’ve thought about it, maybe he’s been hurting you for a long time?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>A small nod of her head confirms what he already knew but it does nothing to alleviate the tension in his stomach or the pain in his chest. “And I think maybe that’s why you stopped replying to me? Why you… why you didn’t come with me? Why maybe you… you wanted to come with me in the first place?” This isn’t going the way he had rehearsed in his head but there are tears in her eyes and she nods once more before he takes another step, almost closing the gap between them but wary. “Please, don’t go home to him, just… you can… you stay with me, you can… you can get out.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No,” There’s a panic in her face, quickly shaking her head before she’s the one to step forward, both of her hands reaching up to take either side of his face as she looks at him, “I’m not bringing my little brother into this. Everything I’ve done is to protect you from him and from yourself and I know that what you saw… I-I know… it’s not…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t tell me it’s not what I think it is.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The tone of his voice leaves no room for argument, lifting his own hands to gently press against hers as they rest on his cheeks. “I can’t leave him, h-he… he’ll kill me. And he means it and if you’re in the way, he’ll kill you, too.” He hates the crack in her voice and the tears that finally spill over, wishing more than ever that he could make Doug feel the terror he knows his sister is right then. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Maddie, he’s going to kill you even if you stay.” He doesn’t know what else to say, the memory of her face when she had opened the door a few days before burns in his memory and he knows that she’s standing there hiding even more injuries from him right then. That’s enough to fill him with a sense of dread about what Doug was doing to her whilst he was being convinced to just leave her behind. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Slowly, his hands reach for the bruising around her neck, partly covered by the collar of her baggy cardigan. Fingers gently grazing along her skin, shaking his head as he does because Doug doesn’t deserve anything less than the pure revenge he’s plotting right then. “Let me protect you, please?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She looks as though she’s thinking about it for a second, before Maddie steps back with a sniff, wiping her eyes with the sleeve of her top, “Can I think about it?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Buck tries to focus on Athena’s words, and on the research he had done about being the family member of someone going through what he knows his sister is. He had spent hours on the internet, trying to make sure he did everything he possibly could to pull her towards him and not push her away. So, as much as he hates it, he nods his head and pulls out a piece of paper he already written his address on and the station, along with the next two weeks of shifts, just in case. “You can come to the station between these times or my apartment whenever you’re ready, okay? You are not alone.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There’s a relief on her face, as though she had expected him to drag her out of there and honestly, it’s what he wants to do more than anything but he knows it won’t help. That the best thing he can do is suppress his own rage and be there for her when she’s ready. “You don’t hate me?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There’s a vulnerability in her voice that has him moving to wrap both of his arms gently around her, afraid of hurting her, as he shakes his head. “I-I was hurt but I’ve never hated you.” Her arms wrap around his waist and he takes solace in the fact he’s holding his sister for the first time in so long, remembering the last lingering hug she had ever given him when he’d dropped her off at her house in her jeep and she’d told him she would see him in the morning with excitement in her voice and then she was gone. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He wasn’t going to let that happen again.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Mentions of domestic violence, injury, death.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Buck has been on edge from the moment he had laid eyes on his sister eleven weeks and five days ago. Sometimes, it feels as though his head hasn’t stopped spinning and the lump in his throat hasn’t shifted. The guilt remains,  he’s not sure it will ever leave because even though he was only eleven when Maddie brought Doug home for the first time, he feels as though he should have done something. There were things he could have said, things he could have noticed. Things he wishes he had said, things he wishes he had noticed. </p><p>He can barely sleep, the only time he truly feels <em> alive </em> is when he’s at work. The times when he’s alone in his apartment are filled with over-analysing every single moment that had once been an annoyance but was now a reminder of how different things could have been. How maybe, just maybe, he could have saved her. The phone calls, the constant need to know where she was, his arm around her or his hand on her back, always <em> touching </em> her. The way he had never accepted the fact that, even as a teenager, he was a big part of Maddie’s life. He had been seventeen when the supposedly happily married couple had moved back from Boston and he just assumed that the secret dinners at their favourite diner were because Doug didn’t like him. </p><p>He knows now that that’s only part of the truth. </p><p>Buck was only twenty-one when Maddie handed him those keys and told him to leave and not look back and he can remember how angry he was. He has so many regrets, but none more so than leaving Hershey that day. It doesn’t matter how many times the people he considers to be his family tell him that it’s not his fault, that there’s nothing he could have done. The regret is there like a persistent voice in his head, wondering how many people he’s helped since joining the LAFD, when his own sister had needed him. </p><p>He hadn’t known. Athena is the first to tell him that - how could he help if he didn’t know? Then Bobby tries, Chimney, Hen and eventually, Eddie, when he’s settled into life at the 118 and receives the full story of why Buck is barely a shadow of the person he normally is. He’s still great at his job, it’s the only thing that keeps him going, saving people who need help, wishing each time that his sister would finally ask. </p><p>Patience is key, apparently, that’s the one thing that screams out through his research. He can’t push, he can’t force her to do anything she doesn’t decide for herself. He supposes, more than anything, that she’s had enough of Doug doing that, she doesn’t need her brother doing it, too. Still, it hurts, trying to fight every single urge within himself that tells her to grab her and run. He’d leave LA for her, he’d leave everything he loves for her if he had to, if it was the only way to keep her safe. And as hard as it is to fight that urge, it’s even harder to stop himself from just going to where he knows Doug works and confronting him. </p><p>At least, he supposes, he’s been able to see his sister a handful of times since he’d shown up at the hospital. It was a secret, again, but this time, he understood why and each time caused a rush of pain to wash over him. She was good at hiding and sometimes, he’d catch glimpses of the person he had grown up with. She’d laugh, and for a moment, he’d forget. Just for the slightest of moments; brief and fleeting. Secret lunches, a brief ten minutes here and there when he’d drop her off some coffee and tell her anything he could just to make her smile. To remind her that he would always be there, even if he couldn’t ever understand the reasons why she stayed. </p><p>He’d give her his schedule every few weeks, reminding her that he would always be there; no matter what hour of the day she needed him. Turns out that time is two in the morning, when he’s getting through another twenty four shift, grateful for the distraction, even more grateful for the people around him who have kept him close to sane and relatively grounded over the last almost three months. </p><p>“Maddie?” Just seeing her, knowing there could only be one reason she’d be there, is enough to give him just a flutter of hope. He’d read online that it might not mean <em> forever </em> but it’s a step, right? A step in the right direction, and really, that’s all he’s hoped for. He barely notices at first, not until he’s a little closer to her - the blood. So much blood. Enough that it makes him pause for just a second, the fear causing an intense pain that seems to scream through every part of his body. At least until he steps forward and carefully presses a hand to each of her shoulders, “Maddie? I-It’s okay, you’re gonna be okay.” </p><p>He doesn’t believe his words, not when he’s looking into the wide, terrified eyes of his sister as they dart from one place to the next, not looking at him directly. Her face is swollen, blood pouring from a wound on her head and she’s shaking beneath his touch. The way she’s breathing, the look on her face, he knows is all the tell-tale signs of a panic attack, glancing helplessly behind him at the two paramedics, two of the only people in the world he’d ever trust with his sister. It’s Hen who steps forward first, whilst Chimney runs to grab something from the back of the nearest ambulance. </p><p>“Okay, Maddie, we just need to see where all this blood is coming from, okay?” Hen’s voice is softer than he’s ever heard it before, careful in her approach, the smallest of smiles on her lips as she moves to his sister’s side and gently rests a hand on her back. </p><p>“I-It’s not… just… my blood…” It’s the first words she’s spoken, and he barely recognises her voice as her own, “I think he’s dead. I think I… I-I think…” Finally, she looks at him, and all he sees is unbridled terror behind them. “I think I killed him, Evan, I-I think…” Her knees buckle beneath her at the words, and Chimney seemingly appears from nowhere to help Hen keep her standing whilst he stands there in shock. If Doug was dead, Maddie could be free but if she had killed him, if she’d had no choice in the matter, he can’t imagine how… or what could have happened to push her over that edge after years of the hell he had been putting her through. </p><p>He’d barely registered Bobby’s presence, until he hears him on the phone, Athena’s name echoing through his head until he shakes himself out of it and runs to the back of the ambulance, watching as Chimney talks Maddie through every movement he’s making, his words just as gentle and his approach somehow even more careful than Hen’s had been. He can see the slight tremor of his hands as he works. The guilt, whilst not as intense as the one Buck feels, is there - from years of noticing the bruising and random broken bones. Each of them wondering if there was anything they could have done to help. <em> Anything </em> that could have changed his sister stumbling into the station at two in the morning, bruised and beaten, bleeding and covered in blood that didn’t just belong to her. </p><p>It takes him a moment to step onto the ambulance, easily taking Chimney’s place by her side as he puts his hand in hers and forces himself to smile, holding back the tears that long to fall. “I’m right here, Maddie and I’m not going anywhere, okay? You and me against the world, remember?” Even if he knows it’s not just the two of them anymore, he remembers every pinky promise they had ever made, removing his hand from hers just to hook his little finger around hers. “I promise.” </p>
<hr/><p>Maddie wakes up to a hand in her own and a pulsating pain in her head. She can hear hushed whispers in the room, until she opens her eyes with a small groan and the hand is gone, pressed to her cheek within seconds instead before a breathy sound of her name is released from the person she knows to be her brother. </p><p>It takes just a minute for her vision to adjust, blinking a few times, until she sees a non-blurred version of the worried face of her little brother as he stares down at her. He’s been crying, she can tell by the redness of his eyes and he hasn’t slept. But then, he’s looked perpetually exhausted since he’d arrived at the hospital just a few days after he’d coincidentally been called to her house. It hurts, more than anything she could ever put into words because this was exactly what she had always wanted to avoid. Dragging him into something he’d never be able to control, something that would leave him with the kind of guilt she knew her gentle, loving and caring brother would feel. She had practically brought him up to be a good person, but goodness comes with it’s own burden. And Maddie never wanted that burden to be what went on behind closed doors in the Kendall household. </p><p>And then she remembers. </p><p>She remembers Doug finding her packing a suitcase and then his hand in her hair. He wasn’t meant to be home, he was supposed to be at a fundraising event, she was meant to have more time. But there he was, one fist clenched in her hair whilst his hand wrapped around her throat. She can feel it as though it’s happening right then, her throat sore. Flashes of their broken mirror come to mind, blood, screaming, begging for him to stop as she tried so hard to make it to the bathroom. To the one place of safety she had, the one room with a locked door that so often had protected her from her husband’s rage. </p><p>Maddie blinks again, trying to keep herself in the present, with Buck, the one man in the world she knew would never hurt her. “I-is he dead?” She whispers, almost afraid of the answer because if he is, that means she’d killed him and as much as she hated him… she had loved him, once. She could never forget that, as misguided as it seemed now. She had been so deeply, head over heels in love for the man she had married. But if he isn’t, he’ll never let her go and the moment he sees her again, it’ll be the last breath she ever takes.  He’d promised her he would kill her if she ever left, and he was going to and all she could think about was her brother and how he was fighting so hard for her. She wanted to fight for herself too. </p><p>She’s not sure if either of those are the kindest option. </p><p>He lives, she dies. He dies, she lives with the knowledge that she had killed him. </p><p>Evan gulps and she looks over to where he’s looking, seeing the nervous paramedic who had always been so kind to her. “He is,” Her brother finally mumbles, “the police got to your house… they found him… but Athena said that there’s plenty of evidence that it was self-defence, Maddie and the fact that you didn’t call the police… it was just shock, okay? And I promise you that I’m gonna do everything I can to help you through this. I-I’ve taken time off, a-and I’ve uh… I-I’ve found a great apartment, close to the hospital and the station.” She remembers how he’d said he had been living in a small studio apartment whilst he got settled in LA, still learning the ropes, he’d said, he was still saving. </p><p>She doesn’t know what to say, feeling undeserving of him and his love, her eyes falling to a close instead, thrown into the depth of a memory she wants to forget. Of Doug slamming on the bathroom door and screaming her name, until the wood started to splinter and she wondered why the neighbours hadn’t called the police. Maybe they were fed up, maybe they were used to it, maybe they had tried too many times and now she was just… the boy who cried wolf one too many times. </p><p>He had a knife, the memory of her staring at it in his hand burnt in her mind forever; her first thought was to just… let it be over. The words on the tip of her tongue, practically begging him to kill her. It’s how their story was going to end anyway and she was exhausted. She hated going home, she hated her husband, she hated herself, she hated her life, she hated LA, she hated… <em> everything</em>. Death seemed to be the kindest option, maybe there was something waiting for her on the other side, maybe her grandmother would be there with a warm hug and some kind words. Maybe there would be nothing and somehow, that still felt like the better option. </p><p>Until she remembered Evan, and how he’d turned up at the hospital, how he’d appear sometimes with coffee and a cake and a rescue story in the hopes it would make her laugh. How her little brother was relying on her to fight to come home to him. So, she had, for the only person she had in the world, for the one thing that kept her anchored, the one person who always had since the day he was born. </p><p>She wakes with a gasp, one hand resting on her stomach where she remembers the knife plunging in, whilst her brother practically lunges from his seat, rubbing the sleep from his own eyes. “You’re safe, Maddie.” Doug is dead, she repeats in her head, over and over again until the words don’t feel so foreign anymore or so impossible. Doug is dead and she’s alive and she doesn’t have to be scared to go home anymore. She doesn’t have to walk on eggshells, or fear repercussions for just being five minutes late home or for overdoing the eggs or just being the one person he knew he could take out his anger on without any consequence. </p><p>“He’s really gone?” </p><p>She needs him to say it out loud again, memories of fighting for the knife until suddenly, it was in his chest, and then again, and then again, until… “He’s really gone.” Evan confirms, his voice void of any of the judgement she feels she deserves, his eyes only filled with tears as his hand gently moves through her hair. “And you made it through.” </p><p>“I-I didn’t give up.” It comes out as more of a whimper than anything else, eyes heavy, hand blindly reaching to grip onto her brothers in an attempt to keep her away from the nightmare that had led her to lying in a hospital bed. </p><p>He sobs, his hand tightly holding onto hers, “You didn’t give up,” is the last thing she hears until she’s pulled straight back onto that bathroom floor, feeling her husband’s body weight on top of hers as he takes his last breath. </p><p>She was alive.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Me just killing Doug in every au is an absolute mood.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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